It was with great excitement that, a few years ago on a random Saturday, my friend Thea woke up with an irresistible urge to see a palm reader. Curious, I tagged along. Thea was a darling I stayed with at a commune just after landing in Jozi. She had always been into tarot cards so palm reading fever did not surprise me when it hit.

I visited a palm reader one Saturday morning a few years ago. - image - gigmasters.com

I visited a palm reader one Saturday morning a few years ago. – image – gigmasters.com

Off we went to a stall at the Bruma Lake Flea Market where it soon became obvious that the urge to have her palm scrutinized was not so random after all; Thea was a regular there.

Fast forward to curious me’s palm reading session… Of course I wanted the old lady to read my palm too. This part of the morning would be the punch line to the comedy show in my mind later that day, so I thought. Contrary to my naïve expectations, there was not much funny about what she said. For starters, I didn’t like her financial assessment of the lines on my hand. She said: “I can’t say with certainty that you will be rich but what I can tell you is this; if you do happen to end up rich one day, it won’t be from hitting the jackpot. You’ll have to work hard.” All I could think of was that she sounded very much like my mother about that hard work swag. Till this day, I think of that old lady whenever I bum out of the lottery, and that happens a lot because I’m stubborn that way.

What the palmist told me… - image - deviantart.com

What the palmist told me… – image – deviantart.com

She moved on to the love lines. Maybe I should have told you this earlier but now that I think about it, I find it necessary to mention that she was wearing glasses, thick ones. I’m no optometrist but I figure, the thicker the lenses, the bigger the problem. I can’t be sure she saw the lines clearly. Anyway, the bespectacled, gentle, old lady proceeded to tell me about the doom that is my love life. Side note – Mfundi Mvundla would find palm readers useful to soapie scripts.

According to the palm reader, my love life was an interesting tale that had begun long before I stretched out my palm for her to read. The line representing love matters splits into five lines on my palm. She said that these represent the “Big 5, the 5 Great Loves of My Life”. She explained that these would be my happiest, most meaningful relationships but somehow all of them would end. Which woman do you know wants five of the best? I wanted ‘The One’. In fact, at that time, I thought I was already dating ‘The One’. What would I do with five great men in my lifetime? And besides, how does one have five “happy relationships” which all end up in smoke?

I think this was the case with my palm reader who wore glasses. – image - icanhascheezburger.com

I think this was the case with my palm reader who wore glasses. – image – icanhascheezburger.com

As if to bring me back into her circle of trust, she threw some hope my way. There was one solid line among the five. This one line was ‘The One’. She had my attention. This one lover of mine would surpass all others and be ….drum roll… the last ninja standing when the dust of my tumultuous love life finally settled, so she said. I didn’t like this assessment then and I still hate it now. Why must ‘The One’ come through after five disastrous relationships including one with him? Not ayoba, not ayoba at all.

I haven’t visited another palm reader since then but if the opportunity presented itself, I think I would sit down for another session with someone else in this field, someone younger and with better eyesight. Second opinion vibes. My first date with a palm reader left a lot to be desired.